It lasted for years, and then the end was finally there… The End
At this one particular moment, I looked around myself, looked at the people who were tiring me for years, torturing and systematically destroying me, I woke up and I just couldn’t go one step further. Not with them, not that way. I was wondering who they are…
Everything in me was shifted, unbalanced and it was craving for an exit. For years I was living and suffering quietly, from time to time even loudly. I was thinking I am doing the right thing, thinking that’s how it has to be and that it’s inevitable to save my family, that one elementary thing that moves everything, with which everything was easier. But that was a delusion. And that delusion brought such drastic consequences which make me breathe harder to this day. Cause there was nothing to save… The end was near…
Suffering Before The End
For too long my heart was full of suffering and pain, tortured and craving for freedom. Too many sleepless nights, anxieties, heavy, too heavy words, battles, and wars. I’ve wasted so much time, energy and myself. And I couldn’t see any bigger change except for my clothing number, gray hairs, my age and the number of permanent scars on my soul.
There were so many ways in which I tried to fix things. I was convinced that was possible. I know that and all my loved ones know that, the ones who finally know the whole truth, the ones who still can’t believe how long it took for that last drop to overflow the glass… The ones who don’t know how I kept up with all that and stay alive.
Those are the ones that breathe with you and don’t let you give up and sink at any moment. I once read and forever memorized the following sentence: “Go, and the universe will help you.” There is so much truth in that sentence, and I still get the goosebumps when I think about all the blessings that I’m aware of, and which I accepted only when I ventured and went in. But only when I ended some things in the past.
There is nobody to warn you that things got out of control, that they passed every border of normal and controllable. There is nobody to set your alarm and alert you that it’s time to run. You have to do that yourself, but that’s the hardest part.
To decide you’re going to stop being anybody’s victim and to find shelter and peace no matter what. I’m not surprised now that it was so hard for me to make the decision. I feel like my subconscious knew what that decision will bring, how many frustrations will come out of it and it procrastinated inevitably. But now I can see what I couldn’t back then. I can see that the end of my suffering is near and it will pass.
Forget The Suffering
There are so many people who are suffering and who have gone through so much pain. Sometimes with bad intentions sometimes without them. But whatever the intention was, if her product is pain and suffering, it’s hard. To me, the fact that I’m not the only one and that things like that happen to a lot of people wasn’t relieving.
Sometimes I feel like people are competing in whose fight is the hardest like they love being in the darkness of life pretending like they don’t need light and like it’s not even available. Some sufferings are inevitable, they come naturally with life. Some of them aren’t… We just need to be aware of how much someone has hurt us and how painful it is. I wasn’t even sure where it was hurting me, and like most of the people, I was thinking it was heart, soul, body…
My worlds, universes, grounds were crumbling and everything was torn down as I was waiting. For too long. Suffering and pain are starting to become our guests who don’t have in mind leaving soon. Everything looks unreal. In the blink of an eye, our life is out of our hands and we seem helpless. We wonder how could we be so stupid and naive and let someone rip a whole piece of our uniqueness, our age, and our life.
But when we think about it, we didn’t do anything wrong. We thought that we were on the right path with the right people, fighting for the right thing. What you’re not carrying in yourself, you don’t expect to see in the ones who have decided to break you. And when you see that, when you realize it and accept it, who knows where that got you.
And you can cry, whine, and feel sorry for yourself as much as you want, but that won’t help you to move on (it just eases the pain for a short period time). Also, you can qualify your enemies, blame them, curse the moment you met them and let God judge them. I was doing all of this. As time passed I realized that that doesn’t help either if you want to move on, except for the anger was on a higher vibrational level than pain, so I felt a bit easier.
Forgiveness For The End
But the divine within us resists hatred and feel that only terrible punishment can be our satisfaction. We will sooner or later realize that our soul is crying for forgiveness. In the end we must forgive ourselves and them, and everything that pollutes our soul, which is so burdened with various burdens, that it can hardly go on. To forgive does not mean to master all the demons within and around you with a magic wand. Forgiveness is the process, the only one that leads where the creative in us begins, the pure that leads to the peace we long for.
It no longer matters the answers to the questions that bother us, and no longer matters who, how and why it has brought pain, sadness, unhappiness, suffering, and misery to our lives and why it thinks it can still work. It is important to preserve ourselves, for ourselves, and for all those people whose hearts are open and willing to love us unconditionally and reach out to us when we need it most. Forgiveness is just a word, but not until you experience it in its full splendor, which will help the soul to be cleansed and so bright and pure it does not move further to illuminate your path.
There is one more important thing to accept, which is that we are vulnerable, that we are not omnipotent, and that this is also okay. Lately, it has often occurred to me to think of the number of people dying in the world every day. And it doesn’t matter when we leave, what matters is what we will have at that moment. Will it be a prison that someone has put us in and we have agreed to it or will it be a life we have chosen by free will.
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