Wherever I go I have the feeling that I’m hearing – RELAX!
Relax, you have to relax.
I’m not stupid, we can eliminate that right away. I’m not deaf either, because I can hear them all clearly.
But don’t I really know what that means? Is it that hard to relax?
Are you born relaxed, is it learned, can it be forgotten and then learned again?
What’s wrong with me and relaxing?
How many times have I relaxed and realized very quickly that I had no right to do so…
Relax, just relax …
And me, it’s like I’m stuck in some purgatory of relaxation and I am one step away from success, but that step is so difficult that I am still in the same place…
…wounded, burnt, exhausted, and eager to tell myself, to shout as much as my throat carries me, out loud – RELAX!
And then the memories say, no!
Do you know what happened when you last relaxed, but also the time before that…
The first time I was relaxed was at 17, at least that much I can remember.
Maybe that was the last true time. Every next one told me to be careful because otherwise, everything could go to hell.
Or I just imagined it.
I once woke up relaxed in war and madness.
And the next time in the wrong hands.
Well, in divorce, it wasn’t just a divorce, the war of the worlds, the universe …
Then he suddenly left forever. Dad. And on a day of great joy.
After that, “my baby” told me she hated me.
Then “my angel” got asthma, he couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t breathing either. Ambulance, then hospital, then all over again…
And then great fear, shock.
From “his” new drunkenness. From a threat. And it was the New Year.
I couldn’t breathe again.
Drilled car tires, early in the morning. Police who did nothing.
But relax, they say…
After that, I stopped trying.
Or I don’t remember the next time, I guess fearing that some new shock would follow that would so picturesquely pour into my face the fact that any of my relaxations is just an introduction to what I’m going to have to deal with. And I don’t know if I still have the strength to deal with great accidents, illnesses, deprivations, drunkenness, sorrows, wars, institutions.
Yes, I completely forgot about them. When I called them for help, they said they couldn’t protect me.
And even though they didn’t put it in my face, it was clear to me that they couldn’t. They said they could, but did nothing.
And then… you hear – relax!
Like a beast, you become a savage, and tame, too tame. Who are you if you truly love children, people, nature, life, and you run away and hide like a wounded beast that strives with an innate instinct to save yourself and them? It hurts when you realize that there is no normal response to abnormal circumstances. Except for not relaxing.
Relax, they say…
You relax and suddenly feel helpless, unfamiliar terrain and discomfort, feeling that danger is around the corner. You seek salvation. It’s gone. Does not exist. Except that you still do everything hoping that you will succeed, even when you are pathosed so much that you don’t see a way out because no one sees it. And you have to. Obliged to protect your “little kittens” as the only parental love in you knows, and you don’t know – How?
And then you hear how you have to relax, how you have to live.
Who else lives, and is trapped in the present moment, waiting for something that comes every time without announcement…
You can’t do that, you have to relax, everyone knows that. They are full of recipes and tips on how I can and how I have to. Relax, fool, your life is slipping away.
And in some rare moments when you feel that relaxation is near, they start teaching you that you can’t relax naively and blindly, but strategically. You are stupid today and you stand out, if you go honestly, openly, with your heart, if you say what you feel and when you feel it. It doesn’t work, they tell me, it’s like that today. That’s not appreciated today.
You have to be a player. What? Player? And relaxed? How the fuck to do that?! And then I wish I was somewhere where I can be as relaxed as myself, not as a player. I don’t know how to play. Except for those childhood game that I still remember. I’m not for these modern ones. And most often, these are games of hiding the obvious and others that revealing the non-existent. And that tires me.
Then I wish I could be somewhere where I can relax without being scared and not be a player… but everyone knows what to do, and how, I just don’t know where. They don’t know either.
And then I stop relaxing again and stay in purgatory, ready for anything that may come my way… Damn ready! But one step away from relaxation…
It’s easier that way.
Relax, they say…
Well, even when everything in life is regular, it happens that some things are not easy to carry, they hurt, they’re difficult. Because that’s life, too.
But when the extraordinary becomes regular, and the regular is certainly there, then that’s too much. For relaxing.
Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen, and relaxation will reveal me, and he will fall in love with me so much that he won’t leave me anymore, like the first time and… Maybe, but they say that miracles must be believed in and that it’s not difficult!
Relax, they say…
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