More than once during the divorce, I heard sentences like “Normal people can both live and grow from them,” “If it were possible to communicate with him, you wouldn’t even get divorced” – and the like, which I have repeatedly thought. These were mostly statements of close people to me who were annoyed by my inability to establish the necessary level of communication with my ex-husband. When I say necessary, then first and foremost, I mean two common children, which sometimes made me try too hard. I get the feeling that with more effort, there were more and more problems.
It was as if the desire for normal communication, on the other hand, was interpreted as a sign of my weakness and then abused. Sometimes I felt like I was speaking in Chinese, so because of the difference in the language we speak, we couldn’t speak. I wondered every time if it was possible. And then I would bring the movie back to marriage and the similar situations that led to the divorce… How To Get Normal Communication With Your Ex-spouse?
1. Change Yourself
I even sought the help of a specialist to reduce the level of communication necessary to my children only, and I must admit that the advice of psychologists helped me a lot. I note that I have been told that I am not doing anything wrong, but that due to misunderstanding, on the other hand, I need to change my understanding of that side. Somehow, things got easier over time. By the way, you realize you’re the only person you can change – YOU.
It was a very important step for me. I admit it wasn’t easy, I admit the other side caused a lot of problems in the meantime, but these were problems that could have been dealt with. And in the meantime, I have taken the best of myself and my children. In every sense, I have become even more dedicated to our lives, our communication, our honesty, our relationship, and I have strived to bring things to our utmost in order.
The hardest thing for me was to hear about him and his poor communication with the kids. But I also managed to do that. Not because of him, but because of my happiness, the happiness of our children, and the fact that everything else would mean that I was fighting the war again, and divorce should have meant that the war was over. It would also mean that the two of us are the same, but we are not. I couldn’t afford it.
2. Expect Change
After a short while, I felt some things slowly change. The biggest changes were felt on the children. Regardless of what many say that kids like things are not done, it’s not true. Don’t let them convince you otherwise. The kids are real little regulars and they like to know how things work. They love warmth, love, commitment, conversation, agreement, they like to have a sense of involvement and importance … And so, over time, children openly expressed their views and opinions, chose sides, talked about their experiences with their mom. It was nice for them.
At the same time, the other side began to feel the consequences of its ignorance and non-involvement, as well as being on the sidelines. Slowly, communication became more correct and better. The results, not to mention … It was a real pleasure. Because I don’t remember winning one fight any easier than this one (in the end). And the result was direct happiness, mine, and my angels. And that is priceless.
I cannot say that communication is always correct, but it is most of the time. In those moments when it’s not right and when it goes back to the distant past and anything like insults and accusations, that’s the end of the conversation. I try not to have the conversation in writing because I’ve noticed that, usually things go awry then. Also, I try to always have one dose of reservation so that the relationship does not accidentally go into something more than necessary, because in the past I have convinced myself that it is not good.
3. Become The Change You Want To Achieve
What has been very important to me on this long journey called “building communication” is to move away from myself, to accept all that I think were my mistakes in the past, because very often we tend to look and put on the magnifying glass mostly the other side, and forget to look at ourselves. You cannot expect normal conversation and normal communication with the other side if you have not done everything. It is not until you realize that you are, what you need to look for strategy and help to get things right. You and the kids certainly deserve it.
I remember a time when anger and anger from my ex-spouse poured over me. They were just sticking. I needed to give him back, to respond, thinking that I would show how strong I was. And in fact, I didn’t even feel how powerless that was. And how destructive it was, it consumed and tired me. Result? Zero!
Normally, we don’t want zero. She, in communication, eventually led us to divorce. And after the divorce, we can only go on to a breakup… Who else would want it ?! Some research shows that over 50% of divorce is caused by poor communication and a lack of desire to have one. It’s worth considering. Of course, this time not for the sake of preserving the marriage, but for myself and the baby. For the sake of peace, happiness, a sense of satisfaction…
And to learn to send and receive a message, which is the basis of normal communication, is something that should be practiced daily in all relationships. Finding the culprit is a dead-end that, when you arrive, you realize it’s late.
4. Communication, Yes, But Not At Any Cost
If you think you don’t have to communicate with your ex-wife and you can do without her, you’re wrong. And you will feel it every step of the way. Not to mention children whose life events will inevitably lead to meetings and communication. Prom, wedding, birthdays, baptisms, events … Isn’t it easier and easier to act civilized and in harmony with yourself, than to feel eternally intolerant and uncomfortable?
So, rebuilding relationships is possible, sometimes simple, but very often it’s very complex. He should work for himself, give his best, and seek help if necessary. It is a lasting investment, a simplification of a complicated enough situation, a sign of maturity, a sign of love for oneself, children, and it is worth every step…
Of course, there are situations where even after doing everything, further communication is impossible. If that’s the case, then the only thing you can do is let go. And keep calm because you know it is not in your power.
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