How To Be a Good Parent? Old Or New Approach to Parenting?

How To Be a Good Parent? If there was a simple answer to this question, then life would be a song, a land of paradise, and all children and their parents would be happy. However, things work differently and it’s necessary to invest effort and work every day, with a lot of love, to get at least a partial answer to the question from the title. And it’s important to find a way that will help you at least sometimes to say that you have succeeded in the role of a parent.

How To Be A Good Parent?

This is a question that every honest parent asks himself, questioning his role. Not only is this question welcome, but it can be the main guideline on our parenting journey. How? It’s simple, if we honestly ask ourselves where we stand in our parenting role and strive to give our maximum, then we can expect our entire life to improve.

Do we feel completely like parents? Have we ever consulted with anyone? Do we monitor the child’s reactions to our parenting? Are we more worried and scared rather than happy and satisfied? These are all important issues that can guide us if we are determined to improve our role as parents.

When the child is satisfied and happy when we are and while our relationship is strengthening, we can say that everything is as it should be. Why? Because it mostly means that we’re following the instinct of natural, innate parenting, which easily guides us through the relationship with the child.

But when problems start, when a child’s behavior becomes irritating, and when he refuses obedience, then the parent needs something more. Then we usually start looking for advice, expert help, reading books, and very often we feel confused by different and contradictory views.

 

How To Be A Good Parent?

Two Different Ways Of Educating And Approaching Parenting

 

It’s also interesting that today there are two different concepts of parenting. Both are current and represented by experts, counselors, psychologists, pedagogues. One way is the one that I call old, and which is slowly dying out. The other is new, developmental, and is becoming more and more relevant.

 

The Old Way Of Upbringing And The Old Approach

The foundation of the old way of upbringing and approach, which passes down from generation to generation, is that the child comes into this world as a blank slate. This means that we model his behavior with the help of external influences, punishment, reward, consequences, praise and thus form a future person. Here we consider that the parent has an obligation and responsibility to teach the child how to behave.

The old concept believes in the skills and methods that we should apply after some behavior that will force or motivate the child to change the behavior to the more desirable one. Many still believe in this approach as the only one. 

 

New (Developmental) Way Of Education And New Approach

When it comes to the new approach, it’s based on the assumption that a child’s behavior springs from within. Also that it’s determined by the child’s emotions and instincts over which he has no power yet. But he behaves automatically until he develops his reactions. It’s believed that a change in a child’s behavior can occur if it affects the child’s emotions, which move him.

This approach views behavior as a symptom and consequence of emotions. The child’s behavior is regulated at the root and then the desired behavior becomes the child’s choice. Parenting doesn’t have to be difficult. Instead of wondering what to do as a parent, after a child does something bad, the new approach is important to see where the behavior is coming from and try to change the causes.

When this approach is fully known and understood, it is recognized as one’s truth, and not as a set of several scientific disciplines or learned techniques. It’s the ability to understand the child’s reactions more deeply and correctly, to change our behavior towards him, and thus determine the complete relationship with each other.

Developmental approach, sees the solution to the problem in removing the roots. The source of behavior and only when we have a close relationship with the child and when we can reach out to him so that we both feel connected. And that connection is very important, because it reaches into all pores of the relationship with the child, instead of doing damage in certain fields.

 

 

Two Types Of Parents

Mentioned 2 approaches to parenthood, inevitably mean 2 types of parents – parents of sculptors and parents of gardeners.

 

Parent Sculptor (Cyprus)

The sculptor, the parent of the old approach, wants to shape the child (make a man out of him) and his ultimate goal is the child’s appropriate behavior, judging what is acceptable and what is not. Also, the parent asks the child for certain behaviors for which he rewards or praises him, and for inappropriate punishes or criticizes him.

The sculptor parent believes that the child should learn from lessons and that he needs to learn life, and as the main tool to use the consequences and consistency without compromise in their application. Interestingly, most of the literature on parenting still contains tips to help parents shape and view their child as an object. It’s even more interesting that they are still happy to buy these books.

It’s forgotten here that this is how a parent loses their specificity and authenticity, and this confuses children. And it confuses them because children want and need a real parent and real help from a person who has an attitude, not advice learned from a book.

 

How To Be A Good Parent?

Parent Gardener

On the other hand, a gardener is a parent who wants to raise his child so that he leads him to the realization of full human potential and a mature independent personality. In doing so, he gives the child his presence, closeness, connection, that is, he meets the primary needs so that natural developmental processes can take place.

The parent gardener’s interest is in the maturing of the child’s personality and he’s cherishing and nurturing the child’s love and trust in him as a parent. He also influences the child when he is receptive and listens to his intuition and inner feelings. The child then adopts desirable behaviors and rules on his initiative, observes the parent who he has a connection with and gladly listens to and accepts the initiative.

What is also very important is that the gardener parent knows how important it is to set boundaries for the child when they need to and how important it is to have an authentic attitude.

Why? Well, because the child will learn to deal with frustrations and adapt to unacceptable situations that he will experience in life. This does NOT allow the child to know the parental boundaries, and thus to get to know his parent, and most importantly, to learn to set his boundaries tomorrow.

This parenting requires more patience and work in the first years, but has long-term consequences on the lifelong relationship, and especially on the development of a child’s healthy personality as well as emotional and social maturation. It may seem that it’s difficult and that there is more effort, but it will later pay off many times over for both the child and us. If we are consistent, we will have the honor and pleasure of seeing children-people in front of us one day.

 

Here Is An Example Of Parental Behavior

What if a 4-year-old child happens to physically attack and injure a younger child, a baby just a few months old? The sculptor’s parents will rush to give him a lesson. They will use a sharp attitude and a message that it will never occur to him to do something like that again. They will condemn the behavior and treat the child as the perpetrator of a bad deed, which should be ashamed of. It will feel fear, shame, repressed anger and will feel rejected and insecure. He will change his behavior, but he will feel the same emotion towards the baby and reduce trust in the parents.

What Will A Parent Gardener Do?

He will understand the child and his emotion of fear that his parents will neglect him because of the baby. Parents will understand that the child feels threatened because he believes that what is most important to him, and that is the connection with the parents, will now be taken away from him.

When it’s realized that the emotion of helplessness in a child is primary, then it is clear what the parent should do. He needs to convince the child that he is not in danger and that the baby will not endanger their relationship. It will allow the child to feel anger and fear, without judging him.

Looking into the eyes, a gentle voice, a warm touch, these are the things that will help a child get through frustration and anger, as well as to grieve and cry. More precisely, this is the way to express the right emotion…

That emotion is also the way to adapt to the new situation, the way to reduce the charge, accept and love. This is also a way to deepen the relationship and connection with the parents, whom the child trusts even in the most delicate situations. The feeling of self worth and self-esteem will not be compromised.

 

Consequences Of Different Approaches To Parenting

It’s clear that it isn’t easy to be a good parent, but the fact is that it is possible…

Both approaches to parenting will have traces and lasting consequences in the formation and life of the child. Just not the same. The sculptor will have a child who is brought up, fit, obedient. But also deeply unaware of himself and the emotions he feels.

On the other hand, the gardener will create all the preconditions to have a mature and emotionally strong person in front of him after a while. A human who is aware of his possibilities, limits, who knows what he wants, having in mind justice, morals, respect. The most important thing is a sense of self-worth, a sense of others. Self-awareness, and self-esteem too. This shapes a human which will not depend on others and external influences.

It’s interesting that in the desire to be a good parent, one searches less for a good way. Behaves more by inertia. He’s rewriting models that are not adequate but are at hand. As such, they neglect things that we can see and feel, and that is both our and children’s dissatisfaction. We can lie and say that we are good parents and that we don’t blame ourselves. But children will not do that as soon as we are not around.

They will openly say that they are not satisfied. That they resent us for missing a lot, that they don’t feel safe and loved. That is why it’s best to search and do everything until you feel that the connection is there. Until you feel that you, as a parent, have managed to connect with yourself and your child in the best possible way.

 

How To Be A Good Parent?

For The End

The most important thing to keep in mind is that a good parent does not have to be perfect. Nobody is perfect. No child in the world is perfect. That’s why we do not strive to be perfect, but the best possible. But also happy with your children as much as possible. Honestly, I tried both ways of raising and upbringing children. I also approached parenting in different ways, but only now do I see how much I missed the developmental approach and how close it is to me. Only now do I see how important it is to children.

So, if you ask me, no matter how late you think you are, that is not true. You can always change yourself. And by changing ourselves, we inevitably change the world around us. In this case, the world of our greatest treasure – Our children. Parenting is one of the most challenging, demanding, but also one of the most beautiful experiences in life. The secret lies in maintaining a balance between discipline and caring at least I think so. It’s not easy, but it’s much easier if we do not forget to be as positive as possible…

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Also, read my text https://single-moms-way.com/10-facts-about-single-parenting/

 

 

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