Before the divorce, no one had warned me about the possibility that my child would choose a side or even change it several times during the divorce. Children In Divorce Often Choose Side… And You Survive
You Can’t Save The One Who Doesn’t
The moment I realized that divorce was the only thing that made sense, I just thought about how to save my children and myself. From a bad life, from situations that looked like everything but the ones you want in your family home… And by the way, I learned that you cannot save anyone who does not want it, even if they were your child’s wishes and no matter how insane you seemed. Her choice was an unexpected shock, and there were too many of them already.
In a house full of discord, so little is enough to confuse the children, so they can’t see the obvious. Even when your ex-husband intervened and began to convince you that he was the right choice, a real vicious circle ensued. It is clear, children in divorce should not have to choose sides, but it is unclear why this is approved in institutions and why children are separated from their mother and separated from each other…
Even today, I am not completely sure of the reasons, but for a moment my daughter seemed ruthless and unfeeling. Like a real torturer who didn’t choose the means to give me extra punches, with the wholehearted help of the other side. But she was just a confused little girl at puberty, who couldn’t explain what was so obvious. I couldn’t explain some things to her, but I had to explain them to myself. The more you fight, the more you sink, the sooner you understand and accept it, the faster you swim.
You’re Worth It, You Know!
It sometimes seemed to me like my daughter had decided to take revenge on me for all my parental failures. I had the feeling that I was the worst mother in the world, even though I knew I wasn’t. And the confirmation that I did not receive everyday was from another child, who did not say that he loved me, but that he adored me. That worship and endless and unconditional love were my way out. My reason for living, my reason for patience, for working on myself, for love … faith.
Not only did the second, but ten years younger child make me see myself differently, it reminded me of how good a mother and person I am, a good parent and how much I value. My reminder of who I am are my mother, sisters, few friends, psychological support along the way called surviving and returning the child to herself, not to me … The whole machine was necessary for me to survive and move on.
You Will Survive
How much I wish someone had warned me of this possibility, that I was ready. I couldn’t imagine that, even in my worst nightmare. And now, I still don’t know how I survived it at all, but I did. It hurts, it hurts, you suffer, everything in you crashes, you break inside, but you still survive. There are so few texts and true stories on this topic that could certainly help someone that it’s really weird. Why do you think? After all, I’ve survived, I think I know the answer. People are ashamed to admit that the children did not choose them but on the other side. And that is less important than asking if the child is well. It is the most important. That after all, they may be well.
It was not easy, especially because she remained where the problems continued, that she gave up at school, smoked, went out too much… so many things suddenly became too much to bear and I thought I would not be able to cope with everything. But so exhausted, confused, tired, and faint, I decided to do my best. How difficult my story was, I only realize today from a solid time distance, and especially when I remember the people who started to pity me. I shouldn’t have allowed that. My pity was unnecessary, it didn’t serve me. I stopped telling my story, except in situations where it was impossible to avoid. That made things a lot easier.
When Children Punish
My older child was 14 to 15 years in divorce. She resented everything she could. That the two of us disagree, that I don’t know anything nice to tell her, to compare her to others, to control her too much, to punish her, that I hit her several times. And this, in a slight variant, had happened sometime before, in those moments in which no other parenting method was effective. But in a house where things were long gone, in which there was no parental agreement, she saw her chance to make things easier. Mom was a witch with a broom to be punished. OK.
Maybe I wasn’t the ideal parent, but she was my baby, who I wanted the best I loved, cared for and looked after in the only way I knew it. Today I am aware that I could have done better, but in circumstances where you cannot function normally, sometimes you are unable to give your best and that is true. The pressures of a bad marriage and life, disagreements, inevitably leave a mark and reflect on all other segments of your life. I wasn’t aware of it then, but today I am.
After a while, while the divorce was still in progress, she picked up her things and went to her father, who in my opinion needed to escape and not look back. How to explain it to her? By no means. That may have been the hardest thing for me after accepting the fact that she had chosen the other side. And accepting that fact has been the hardest task in my life. The difficult part was that I couldn’t protect her, and I knew I would have to. And I had to, many times. What you fail to explain to them because they wouldn’t want to listen to you is a discovery on their own, the hard way. But you’ll have to come to terms with this being the only way.
You will need a sea of patience and faith. But it’s worth every step. The teens and she was that tend to think they know everything, and you will have a hard time convincing them otherwise, no matter how hard you try. What didn’t help me with this whole story was the conviction that she was wrong, the conversations about her choices, the criticisms, the tips, the pressure … it’s all to be forgotten.
Don’t Give Up Your Child
And on the other hand, what helped the most was love, pure motherhood, unconditional. Cuddling, attention, talking, these are things that will never be too much. I will emphasis on attention. Pay attention to that child at every possible moment. I acted like we were together and we weren’t. In what way? In the sense that I went to school information (even when she didn’t see me for almost a month), bought her the necessary things, went to her when she asked me to, took her to the doctor instead of her father, saved her father in the moments when he was doing stupid things and drinking …
At times it all seemed silly. It’s true. My mother has repeatedly said that she is aware that she is my child, but that she has made her own choice and that I cannot save someone who does not want it. And she was right. But only partially. Only when you realize that you have done everything and that nothing is worth it, then you can say that you are done, not before that. As long as it’s worth it and until you see the changes, no matter how small they seem, know that it’s worth it and things will change gradually. And by the way, geography will cease to matter. Only your child and his well-being will matter. If you can bring about change, you’ve done a great thing.
Trust And Clear Boundaries Are Required
Another difficult thing along the way, it is very important. Establish trust and set boundaries, when all parental mechanisms are almost taken away. But if there are no clear boundaries, the child will take advantage of the situation and set his or her own, which will often mean the failure to fulfill obligations and tasks…
It helps a lot to be aware of the results you want to see and to tackle this challenge at any cost. And at the same time, you must not allow yourself to go back a few steps. Sometimes it will act as a Sisyphean job and impossible, but it’s not. Effort and strategy are very important, but flexibility along the way will have to be your second name. Along the way, you will learn that you do not expect great recognition for your effort, try to imply it, regardless of the effort and effort. Because that’s what mothers do …
Celebrate Every Progress
But also enjoy the changes when they knock on the door, and they will knock. If you are a mother to your children every moment, hour, day, results are inevitable. Maybe, tired of life, at some point you won’t even notice, but they will be there. You will realize how many blessings are around you, and the greatest will be the return of your teenager to yourself (not to you). It will be your biggest venture. And when the baby returns to itself, you will be the happiest mother in the world because you will realize how much you have achieved. Today, conversations, pampering, love, honesty, and attention come first.
We build trust every day. The borders remained intact. She talks to a psychologist regularly and works on herself. Her confidence began to grow. She started to grow. And then everything that had previously faded began to grow. Today, when I hug her, I feel a complete commitment to that hug, no more spasms and lack of intimacy that was like a chasm between us … Divorce is not the end of parenting, whether you are a caregiver or just a parent to your child. You have a great chance of being a fresh start. Use it.
It is very important to mention the other parent here as well. We know that both our parents are important to our identity and self-image. Safety and belonging are what every normal parent is responsible for. But we can influence ourselves and we can change at any moment, our influence is questionable. Therefore, you can only hope that what you have given your children will be enough in case all this is not provided to them on the other side. And you can thank God every day for being where you are and for taking on new dimensions in life.
The Path Is As Follows (From My Angle):
1. Survive the shock – the fact that your baby will not be with you (the hardest task, give yourself time)
2. Survive … continue to live and rejoice in spite of that (it will be difficult)
3. Do not talk to the child about the reasons for his / her choice (not accidentally, because they are not ready for it)
4. Continue to love that child even more and more strongly than before (it won’t be easy)
5. Continue working on yourself as a parent every day
6. Loving yourself, believing in yourself, being gentle with yourself
7. By their best endeavor to take care of children equally, regardless of their separation
8. Being there at all times of the day and night for that child, no matter what your ass’s ears will sometimes grow on your head
9. Love, tenderness, pampering, and attention – a package that will change everything for the better
10. Talk about your child’s feelings and confidence, if necessary with professional help
11. Clear, consistent rules, disciplinary methods and do not yield
12. Don’t “buy” a child – never.
How to understand a child in those moments when he acts as the greatest torturer in the world:
1. Divorce did not choose a child, you did
2. No matter what the child chooses, you are his or her parent and always will be, you must be
3. Even if she blames you for divorce, the child cannot understand the deeper essence of the inability to continue life with someone
4. Tomorrow you will be grateful to every child who is not today because children do not like quarrels and conflicts so no one needs to grow up
5. Children love order, discipline, and peace, even though it may not look like it sometimes
6. The child may be afraid that Daddy will not be completely alone
7. Maybe he’s trying to replace you and get the best out of his father
8. If a child’s behavior is overbearing and almost screams to be noticed, it is a sign of help, not retribution
9. The child does not need to choose a side and rarely does it alone, this is usually the result of persuasion
10. For what kind of a child you are now and you are responsible for, so continue to be, choose new ways.
Life sometimes gives us things the hard way. It’s still a gift. If difficult life lessons are learned along the way and there is a good student, who knows how many more miracles are possible…
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